Life - Alive

Oh, my dearest life!

How are you –

What are you?

A fleeting moment,

Or a long, tiring journey?

Manipulating old hag,

Or innocuous young beauty?

The more I walk your ways,

The farther I want to run away.

Oh, enchanting, enticing sorceress –

Your bewitching, gory gaze!

The gratitude of your existence,

Yet the rue of your commence;

For some you are flowery,

To me you are means to an end.

You wait, for you know

That we weaken under your weight

Deceitfully, you connive

Our mortal decay.

Oh, my dearest life,

Your gentle smile;

You urge, and you give hope

To keep going on, to strive.

What are you, how are you,

My dearest life, I ask –

As I have no clue –

How after having seen you end,

Would I want to start –

All over again –

Fresh, anew?

Relative Perceptibility

It is not about
The good or the bad,
Neither about
The right or the wrong!
I do not know what lies
Inside your bubble,
Like you would not know
What lies inside mine.

We have those pictures -
All those places we saw,
The friends we knew.
Was is beautiful -
With that tint in your glass?
As you may not know
What I saw!

This is no game,
Or some binary code.
I'll try to be nice,
With all sincerity, I pray.
Are you measuring
In that relative scale?
But, you will not know
My reference point.

Candid or rude,
It is what you've asked for!
Soft target?
We all are!!
The colour, or the monochrome.
As time is flying by,
Let's lead our lives
The way we are.

Cerebrations of an Irked Soul -

Sometime, just sometimes

We don’t realize how much

We are hurt – angered – enraged!

When an indefinable pain,

Well up inside our stomach,

Choking our heart and

Killing our desires.

We look for solace –

A medicine, some comfort

From those close to us

But alas,

They are incapable

Of seeing our seething pain.

They defend and secure

What is theirs is right.

Is it, however, that makes us cry?

These hypocrisies, their petty lies

Their ugly selves, they ought to hide.

Like a volcano, waiting to erupt;

Like a hulk, ready to pick a fight –

We stare in disbelieve,

Hoping this too shall pass by.

At such times, we wonder

Is it already too late?

We try and we move on

Wondering what others may think!

The tussle at two ends –

The right from wrong –

The dos from don’ts –

They drain us further,

Sinking us, farther down.

This cycle of doubt,

It goes on and on

While we can only hope,

That we ourselves are not wrong.

Unmukt Gagan Mein..

पंछी जो होती तो उड़ जाती
दूर किसी उन्मुक्त गगन में
पर जो ये छोटी सी है आशा
रह जाएगी क्या मेरे ही मन में?

हस्ती, गाती, लहराती मै
फिरती रहती निशचिंत फिकर से
पर जो इतनी ये उलझन हैं
क्या निकलेंगी मेरे जीवन से?

बिखरे हैं या सिमट गए हैं
कुछ अच्छे कुछ मुश्किल पल हैं
पर जो मैं अब चल न पाई
रख लेना फिर अपने दर में,

सोचती  हूँ की क्या अंत हो गया
क्या बस इतना सा ही सफ़र है
पर जो इतना आसान  होता
ये कहाँ जो वो मंज़िल है,

फिर अब सोचा मैंने ये कि
कोशिश करते रहना धर्म है
पंख बटोरे ताक रही हूँ बस,
उड़ जाना है उन्मुक्त गगन में।

Outburst. Random!

I wonder if I build a time machine,

Will I visit the past or go deep into the future?

To know it all, that lay ahead, untold;

Or to undo what brought me here?

And when I get a chance to walk,

Will I shun the baggage and run along?

To try and do, what I set out for - my plan;

Or to take a new path, etch out a new way?

For when the train shall hoot at my door,

Will I be able to stop it and board?

To be on my way, on time, for the rush of gold;

Or would I be paralysed by this stoic mould?

But what if it never happens too soon,

Will I see the light or stay up holed?

To have given it up, too conked, too chocked;

Or a tad sober, may be delirious, to take it on?

This jumble of state, it must end for my sanity

As I am stuck in this muck, drowning me like gravity

I try and let it go, hoping time tests us all

But if the weather is always rough, at some point, the tree shall fall.

~~~

My sashay from the Maximum to the Capital

Two years went by, on the roller-coaster ride

It was good and bad, I must take it in my stride

Now it’s time to move on, back to the pride

Both old and new, anticipations entwined

These last few days, like the first ones, shall be

Ever in my memories, every day that I see

I found myself in this city of dreams,

More grounded I think, with the lessons it would teach

I had left my nest to be with my soul (mate)

They took me in; a new world has been made

We fought and made up, foundations were laid

Similarities and differences, to love and to tolerate

And then it was also, to be on my own,

Live the fantasy, with which I had grown

It wasn’t easy I must say; the journey seemed long

However, with all the support, I managed to trot along

Looking back, it appears to be a phase in passing

Making way for the fresh, verve and long lasting

We proceed to be back, to the city aborigine,

Whose faces I’ve known, smiling or crying

The drives, the fun, my kin and my life

To experience it all over again, to reunify

Promises waiting to unfold, optimism rife

After these 2 years that went by, on the roller-coaster ride!

to You, with hope

When the coin has two sides

And none of them seem right

When the sky is so white

That it intimidates with its might

Dear Lord, in such times let me fight

All that rambles inside me, my own plight

You gave us in ample that I did not realise

Now You take that back but I can’t criticise

The whiff of air, my valued prize

My wings and those little bags of surprise

Dear Lord, I being Your favourite child

Should not have taken it in my pride

Once more I look at You, my Lord

In askance to what will be in Your accord

For I know not now what beholds my record

Mazed & glazed, I grab the last chord

For You to break the web with Your holy sword

Because only You can give me that precious reward

I pray to You with my heart and soul

Bestow Your blessing, make me pure

Forgive me for making myself so sore

Give me courage, strength and peace

To stand my ground stable on my feet

So that I can still be loved, like you’ve always loved me

An element of Something

I want to be a part of something
Not any revolution & not any change

An incessant world of covariance

With composure of chance & a jumble of state

Want to let it go; want to let my hair down

I want to be at peace with what is still unfound

That which has ceased to exist, my own..

And the new affiliates of an old caravan

Inner strength that I was proud of

Or a new-found confidence that might as well be a farce

With highs of life & bitter experiences of lows

I want to go out exploring, for I am a wiser self now

It is stuck in continuity, with a chain of caveat

Smothering all hopes with cuffs of beliefs

Mind breaks the inertia, is a point to moot

Yet I want to be a part of something, something that is ineffably true... 

Dream?!

Walk on..

Color them red, Color me white

Color us with your morning light

Hold back them nerves, Let’s take a flight

Let’s find new horizons on a jet ski ride

Sail through the river, Rush through the sea

Then park on the beach and go for the greens

                      **^**^**

We’ll find our souls, As long [as] its whole

Place it back in and savor it to the core

We’ll search the sight, We’ll fight the fright

Gaze its hive and sting its bite

What was filled to the brim, We’ll devour till its wiped

Then get back our shoes and take the stride

In the deep

Lush of fields and blue of Skies,

The flowers with their beautiful butterflies

The flowing rivers with boats and oars,

And the surf breaking on sea shores

The gush of blood, the silent thud

Beneath a repose, the rover calls.

                 

This scrambling town with its auto smokes,

As if intentionally it means to provoke,

The jabbering folks throng to burthen,

As if their sole wish is to create hurdles,

The strength of mind, the will at its might,

Want to feel this flight, but alas! I am not tied

                   

The glint of tamed and the warmth of kin,

The sheen of gold and the élan of silk,

The plush-ness of life, for the greens do hike

These hankering cries and the sleepless nights

Impressions have soured, Expressions have roared

Now the words do flow, but my ink has dried.

The Bombay Baffle(ment)

Oh boy! I’ve run into around 7-8 blogs about this city, since morning (and its not even noon right now). After finishing the blog-reading marathon, I’ve just ended a phone call with around 50 minutes of Bombay-bashing. They say you have to give yourself a year to start getting to like this place, and I am about to hit that deadline.

Bombay - the city of dreams; the city of glitter ‘n glamour; the maya-nagri. 

It was the city of my dreams too. Yes it was. Long-long back. And then I set foot in this city. Needless to say it completely fell down on me….

Ah! I have started - all over again. I am always this way. When I was in Europe, I missed India like a fanatic; listening to maa tujhe salaam (by A R Rehman) all the time. 

But hey! I am IN India. Does that mean I simply miss Delhi? Yes I am a Delhiite, and I AM a delhiite, and Delhi IS my native place. My parents have lived there since time immemorial, and I was born and brought up there. Having expressed my belongingness for Delhi, I ain’t too fond of Delhi either. I mean it doesn’t get on my nerves like Bombay does and I would defend ‘my city’ to anyone throwing hypes like Delhi being unsafe et al; but, I would certainly controvert a Delhi-extoller.

Maybe home-sick I am. Now my folks are not the exceptionally dotting ones. They have definitely brought me up to be an ‘independent’ lady with all the non-pampering care and un-adulating love (read – I am capable of being on my own). 

Or simply, is it that one hits the nadir before shooting up to the zenith of emotions for the city? As said in the last blog I’d read: ‘One can either fall in love with this city or despise it completely...both ways it evokes emotion; it’s impossible to be indifferent!’

With all this gibbering, it can't get truer..

Malacia

If only I could undo things
If only I could hide up high
If only I could untangle
And let everything fly by

If only I could break out
If only I could stand by
If only I could smile
And question back the why

If only I could think
If only I could try
If only there were no ‘Nos’
And smiles replaced the cry.

There is something hidden behind the curtains
The shadow of demon or just a fly?
Staying true to the verbatim
That’s too hypocritical for all the hype.

Logging in…

I am overwhelmed with the turn of events. I am not very sure how things will shape from here on; and I don’t know who I should acknowledge for this: the diamond on my finger or the diamond in my life. I am hoping the answer to be ‘both’.

Of course, I am putting hell of a lot on stake and I earnestly hope that I have weighed all the pros and cons.

I hope and pray that I am able to muster enough strength to go on, to fight for what I deserve and not be weakened by the hurdles I face on the way. I also pray that I become stronger, calmer, more patient, more respectful, more forgiving and I do not forget the values that have been instilled in me. I wish I am able to complete all the tasks I have assigned to myself well within the time-lines.

I hope to shed off the burden of my shortcomings, flaws and follies, and move forward/pace forward/stride forward into a more promising future. I hope to take along the pride and knock off the regrets. May what happens from now on, happen for the best. Amen!

Compunction

Why do we ponder on what could have been?

When we decided for ourselves and should’ve foreseen.

The ‘if onlys’ & ‘what ifs’ hoard the mind;

And instead of striding forward, we look behind.

We can no more walk back in time

Yet we cling on to the past, and pine.

Why be in a quandary and be contrite about bygone

Because what has happened cannot be rewound

Even if our choices were made in a haste,

We must stand by them and allow no disgrace.

Condoning the fallacious judgment, future one must procure

For what cannot be cured, must be endured..

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish!!

Accuse me if you please, of glutton n gauche;

Rebuke me if you like, for the lack of prudence in taking chance;
Tell me about my guardian angels which could forsake if I push too far,
For I shall keep craving for more, like a sponge I shall cadge.

There is a lot to learn that each day has brought,
Talk to strangers and contemplate their thoughts;
At least I am better than Einstein who had cut ‘two’ holes in the feline’s box,
Present make no sense, but it is a pleasure to be able to join the dots.

The world is a canvass that has colors vibrant as a flower,
I am the apian sucking nectar from it, to play my part.
I follow my will and do not balk to lark,
..to satiate this voracity n gloss this raunchiness, it is too much to ask!!

It’s about time!!

I admit that there have been changes. Actually transformations! I put it in plural as there have been many and in various aspects.
Those who have started knowing me now would not believe what I was like; and those who knew me from before are not able to digest what I have become.
There is not an iota of doubt that the past few months have been the most eventful ones. I learned, and I learned the hard way. I lost myself, only to rediscover the person I am. What made this journey so endearing? It is each and every moment I lived, each and every mistake I made, each and every crime I committed; all the gaiety interspersed with ennui-ty; the sinusoids of mood wavers. I cherish the past with as much passion as the zeal with which I look ahead now.
Now! Now is the time I have to start moving on. To take along the lessons I have learned and open up my mind for those which are yet to be learned. To tread the path from which I had strayed, to get back into that skin, which I had shed. As someone has recently told me, “it’s good to move on, but a sin to forget and move on...!!”
You can wish me Bon Voyage or Bon Retour! Suit yourself. :)

Idly...

Smiles :)
(My boss told me that what he liked the most about me is that I almost always wear a smile… ‘and it is very pleasant for your audience to see you start with a smile…’)

I have been keeping very busy in recent past, but now all of a sudden, I am without any work. At such times, I start wondering (about abstract things), reminiscing, retrospecting and introspecting.

I’ll jot down a few casual thoughts that have already passed by me.

What are the 10 things that I am extremely fond of?
…meowing of cat
…mason mixing mortar (I wonder why I find it so intriguing)
…tearing or breaking (destruction in general :P)
…tukur tukur eyes
…freefalls
…handmade cards/notes (with a genuine feelings expressed)
…driving at night (minus the traffic clogs)
…sitting by the sea
…smiling faces
…drinking water

What are the 3 things that inspire me the most?
…my dad’s patience and perseverance
…my mom’s strength and endurance
…a friend’s focus and another friend’s detachment

What is the 1 thing that puts me off the most?
…being idle!!

A High

Closed my eyes and looked up to the sky
Angels asked, “Did you ever fly?”
Nodding in affirmation, I said, “I usually get very high!
The cupids take me by hand, to a world that’s never wry.”

“I swing and lurch and reel and fall
Tacitly I follow the gravity’s call.
Then I jump higher still, to touch my stars (one ‘n all)
Insouciant whether to hop, walk or simply crawl!”

“I drive too fast, beyond vanity,
I get my kicks by losing sanity.
For the fear of losing too fast a juvenility,
I suck out an entire life, before the debility.”

“The heart and soul, my body and mind;
They beam in glory, glare in light;
As in the clouds up above, there is no fright,
My wings stretch out, all set to take the flight."

"I soar so high, that you don’t see me float,
Even when I appear as a speck, I have a reason to gloat.
With tiny little celestials, did the Gods decorate my abode,
Not many are allowed to visit; but you, on persistence, I shall let come aboard."


.

Other Side of the Fence!!

Standing on the road I saw the palatial mansion;
And O, I so wanted to enter the golden gates of that wonderful creation.

I stared in awe, at the glitter and glamour;
Jaw-dropping beauty, the euphony that contrasted my world of clitter and clamour.

And then came the cherub, to take me into the heavenly abode;
I told my clan, that in a clear blue sea I am about to float.

I walked in while asleep, till my insanity got cleansed;
Just to realize, it was a mirage I had seen while being on my side of the fence.

Alas! It happens with us all.
The envy and the hankering for whatever we have not got.

We blame and abandon, assuming we are always right.
But only when we tread the same road, do we experience the entire plight.

A longing is must, a reverie is must; but our horses we must behold
…As all that glitters may not necessarily be Gold.

Long-Distance

“World is a small place these days”, said a friend. Indeed it is. With advent of technology, and advancement in communication techniques, your loved ones are just a click away.

Really??

We may be able to see, talk and be fully updated about our kin, but can technology provide us the ‘touch-therapy’? I may be able to look into my lovers eyes through a Web-Cam, but can I peck him back for that look? I may be able to speak comforting word, but can I hold my friends hand when they are distressed? Can I hold my new-born niece?

Distance makes the hearts grow fonder. Tripe, I say. Well, almost! Distance makes you pine which may also leave you with a bad taste in mouth. A long-distance relationship, in my opinion, cannot survive unless tended to, painstakingly. The travail of making ‘the hearts grow fonder’ may as well sap you out completely.

Thus I pray…’May distance too, part us not. Amen.’

Daggered n Staggered

Tread on the path, where the lights have gone
I know not who I am, Is this a hallucination you have drawn?

I died years ago, only the spirits sail by
Did you just say we struck a chord? Oh! It’s all a lie.

My world, yes it was full of life
What is now black, was once red, blue and white.

I laughed like mad and my eyes did shine
I cried like I do now, but with innocence entwined.

And Oh, I do so wish to be
If only I hadn’t murdered me.

Now I belong to none, not even to myself
Not to past, present or future, ‘coz my being I locked in that shelf

But wait as I confess of my soul having died,
Coz you too are unforgiven for having committed the same crime.

I say, I can no more, as I did fall, over and over again
It is your turn to own up, don’t say you did not play the game.

Musing

There are incidences in our lives which force us to think. They may not change the course of our lives, but they do bring about a change.

Recently, I was pondering over the trait of being immature vis-à-vis the act of being possessive. A string of unrelated events, I happen to recapitulate, set my mind off to work.

Before I start, here is a confession. I am possessive about…well just about everything and anything! On the inside, I hate to share my room, my bed, my shoes, my clothes, my friends, my love…umm well even my parents (I hope my sister never-ever gets to read this)!

But, actually BUT, this is not how things work. NO WAY!

Possessiveness leads us to behave immaturely. People stop talking to each other and at times, relationships get acrid, culminating in break-ups. But where exactly does all this start/ where to draw the line? Possessiveness by itself is, by no far shot, synonymous to immaturity. The non-realization of when to let it go over-board that it behemoths into an undesirable act or an uncomfortable experience is immaturity.

Possessiveness, if not closely, then remotely, is related to insecurity. Insecurity of losing what you have, and hold so dearly. But then, as the adage goes...’Let go. If it comes back to you, then it is yours; else it never belonged to you.’ A friend of mine did let go; and it didn’t come back! It went and, took along his hope and his trust. He stopped believing in the adage. He cannot let go anything that belongs to him anymore. This is his immaturity; his weak-heartedness, et al, or it is mere prudence?

I have another weird example. I was been audience to a conversation (read as heated argument), wherein ‘the self-proclaimed righteous’ was justifying to have dropped a relationship because her mate had found a new pal. I couple of months later; I got to meet this girl again. To my utter exasperation, I found her lecturing someone about the degree of immaturity involved in being possessive.

People are indeed strange!

From all the above written nonsense, there is an erudition I can profoundly articulate. I play it safe now. I no more display my possessiveness, as I staunchly dislike being tagged as an immature.

When the surf was coming....

Sitting on the rock by the sea, I saw the surf lapping towards me.

Just as I thought it was coming to embrace me, it hit the rock & died noisily.

...

What impact was made by that poor soul, But to smooth out edginess of a rock?

My toes had twitched on the fear of getting soaked, and now the sight was a burden my eyes wore.

...

A wierd thought came streaming down,

..did the rock called the surf, or the surf wanted to destroy on its own??!!

(Was the rock so selfish or is the water that altruistic??)

...

Are we playing our own games, where our skills are ever to be honed?

..Or are we mere pawns, playing at hands of someone on the board??

`

`

`

(..Sitting on a beach overlooked by a huge celebrity mansion, this was one of the finest evenings of my life)

Mi Precioso

Dont ask me what is right,

Dont tell me what is wrong.

Today I see through the clouds,

All the places I could have gone.

The morning sun shines bright,

The little stars blink at night;

But when the clouds doom upon,

There are shades of gray, no black or white.

The inviting surf and the mighty peaks,

The lush green with all its creepy sheath,

I wish to forget; and ask them to forgive

'Coz now I open my eyes & wash the blinding dreams.

Drop of elixir which was meant to quench;

Choked my breath and drowned my soul.

But the pheonix rose from the ashes again

There may not be any jewels as yet, but im back on my hunt for the precious stone.

The Random Disappointing Thought

My mind is hardly ever at peace! A few minutes back, I was doing certain mundane chores, with random thoughts swarming my mind. Suddenly the streaming came to a halt at an incidence that had happened recently.
A few days back, I was denied, for reasons unknown, an act of philanthropy! I must say, I was highly disappointed, as I had been looking forward to participate in the community service. I tried to inquire the reason from concerned people and pushed as much as I could to be a part of the noble cause.
At this sad note, my memory took me back to another such event. From childhood itself, I was highly inspired by the television commercials(esp. the national TV channel) which promoted donation of body parts/blood. I had promised myself that I would do the same on my 18th birthday. However, I lost the chance. Many years later, I got the opportunity. The point here is: had I gone to the donation camp at that time, I probably would have boasted about the benovelence my entire life; but when I donated my blood many years later, I forgot about it the very next moment.

There is no humility in feeling great about doing something good for others.
Im feeling much more relaxed about the whole thing now.
Conclusion: Everything happens for a reason :)

A Tale by an Amateur Storyteller

It is surely an astounding experience to watch it pouring; especially, if you have a cup of tea and a plate of freshly fried pakoras besides you.

Diasa was sitting on the rocking chair, looking out of the huge window of her spacious room, reveling the utopian feeling in her own Zion. The rain had made her reminiscent about the days when she was a sculpturesque young girl.

....

She would sit on the slab, by the window, and watch it rain till the time it stopped. Every now and then, she would stretch her hand out of the window to feel the drops striking her fingertips. Each time she got a tingling feeling, as if she was being encouraged to dream on.

Diasa dreamt about 3 things in particular:
# A huge and spacious penthouse in a skyscraper, overlooking the mundanities of the metro-life.
# Her brother Devasaya’s wedding.
# To bring a smile on every face around her.

She yearned for a hugely successful professional life, so that she could become self-reliant and independent. She would pray for it at every consecrated place she visited.
She also loved travelling, and had pledged to become an avid traveler. She had planned to get a souvenir from all the destinations she touched…

....

Tungggggggg………..
The clock struck 1800 hrs And Diasa was shuddered back to her present. Here she was: a 52 year old stout woman, with the most loveable and loving family. Her husband is a banker, and kids are settled and doing pretty well for themselves. She looked out of the window. It had stopped raining and the hustle-bustle on the street below had resumed in full blow. She had given the maid, a day-off, as she wanted to cook for her husband. He was coming back from a business-trip and it was a Sunday.
Diasa went to the kitchen and started cooking. Somehow, she could not take her mind off the thoughts which were swarming.

Diasa and her husband owned a duplex in one of the most posh neighborhoods of the metro. The apartment was just to her taste. This was her heavenly abode. Devasaya had been married for years now. She had a happy and contended family, or so it seemed.

All the dreams Diasa had seen for her personal life had been realized.
What about the career??? Diasa had wished for a sky-rocketing career, and she had failed miserably there. Diasa had failed to clear her GRE and was too timid to spring back & give it another shot. Eventually, she joined a local college as a teacher. She travelled - knowing about her passion for travelling, her husband would occasionally take her along on his business trips.

Diasa was done with the cooking and was washing her hands, when the doorbell rung. She rushed to the door and looked through the spy-hole. As expected it was Shourya, her husband. He entered, hugged her, pecked on her forehead and caressed her now graying hair.

....

Tick Tick… Tick Tick………

Diasa was awakened by the alarm tone she had set the previous day. She had been sleeping the whole afternoon. She rushed to see herself in the mirror, and was relieved to find that she was still 22 years young. ‘Probably it is the impact of that crappy movie Click that I was watching in the morning’, she thought.

Just as the protagonist of Click gets a moral from his dream, Diasa realized that however happy and ideal her world may become, even if her dreams are realized somehow; she would always remain disgruntled about not fulfilling her wishes.

She got up, cleared her study table and once again started her preparation for the exam she had failed in.